Animal crackers

So, guess what dudes.

Bri.. is.. HAPPY OMFG. ISNT IT AMAAAAZING?
not really. : p

But yeah. happy. Hmmmm.. Im starting to feel it again maybe.. just a little..

but im smiling more over the last few days. Its had its tears and breakdowns for sure.. but it also had alot of awesome smiles and 5 and a half hour talks to my Home G. Who by the way is amazing. *nodsnods* even though he doesnt think so.

*beat boxes* Yeahhhh.. Hmmmm Meh..

The relations of you and I

I'm not sure anymore.
Things aren't even close to how I would like them to be. Not by a long shot.

In a way, I get this feeling I'm losing most of my friends, the people close.
Everyone seems to be taking time to themselves to rediscover, reinvent, soul searching, or taking time to leave and say goodbye.

Maybe I dont trust enough, I know I dont. I know the people I do trust, I can trust.. But it still feels broken. Maybe I just wish i could do more then I can for people. Meh.

Maybe im just stressing too much since i have like.. a month to decide what im going to do for the rest of my life..

Friends. I need you.
You know that.. right?
So.. While you're off tending to your own things.. remember you're not the only one..

I used to know this kid..

I had this friend.
I used to be hung up over him. Love him. Give a shit or two about how horrible his girlfriend was treating him. As much as I hated it, I had to sit and watch and not say anything. I was put on the back burning. Like every other time in his life. I was just. There. But not really apart of anything.

I used to believe in trust, before him. I used to believe that people were good at heart, that they could change. That people would be a little nicer.. But I was wrong.

I confided in him. I confided in him like I was going to be pulled from this earth the moment I was finished telling him. But I stayed on earth but ended up with a blow to my heart.

I told him about my dreams. Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to spend it with a why. Why. I dont know.. But he helped me discover everything I knew to be true until yesterday.

I thought trust was something that you had to earn. Something that if you cared enough about someone that they would give you and you give in return. But when that trust fell short.. And I was left raw and emotionless, I broke.


It wasnt the first time I had been hurt, and im sure it wont be my last. But to tell someone that you care.. That you love them, and for them to.. with hold.. something so important.. blew me away.


Im tired of life. Of lying. Of bullshiting my way through everything just so I can try to make everyone else happy when im not.
Im tired of believing in love and friendship. Im tired of believing that everything happends for a reason, or that we really have a choice in our lives.

Im scared to trust now. Im scared to even tell my boyfriend I love him. Im scared to let myself do something for myself in case it doesnt work out. And I dont know how to fix myself.

I dont know how to change anymore then I already have.
I dont know anymore.

But i need someone to tell me what im suppose to do now. Because im done trying to make the right choice when im always wrong.


I dont even know whats wrong with me anymore.. fuck.

War sweater

School sucks. So much work, so little time to do it. You miss one day of class and you feel like you've been thrown to the wolves.

meh.

This week ive gotten time to be independant. It actually isnt as bad as i thought it would be. Im not really having problems sticking to routine or anything. I have enough self motivation for now, but Dad and Dar get home on monday. So who knows.

As nice as the independance is, its lonely. Normaly im good with not getting lonely. I just kinda shy away from it. But its kind of hard with so much going on right now. school, people working, researching colleges and universities. Everyone seems to be running around like headless chickens too.

I dont think im at all ready for the change, or any change...

BUT IM GETTING AN IPOD TOUCH FOR CHRISTMAS

Look out bubble wrap.. >.> imma get you..

Another night gone.

You can take the Girl out of the Rave
But
You can't take the Raver out of the Girl

I wish i could join my friends. Sucks that im stuck at home.. While they're dancing the night away. Sucky. Like. Money balls times 4. Mehhhhh.
Maybe next time. I hope. I haven't been to a rave since.. January. Ugh. Oh well.. Not like they're any good ones around Ottawa anyways.

Open arms - Gary Go

Whatever happened to truth
Lost without a trace
Whatever happened to the mirror
That showed me a happy face
Whatever happened to sorry
You know it’s never too late
Whatever happened to good things coming
Coming to those who wait
Whatever happened to this city
It’s not like it used to be
Whatever happened to you
Whatever happened to me

Gotta look myself in the eye
And say it’s gonna be alright
Maybe everything won’t be alright
All the time
I’ve gotta take these chances where they are
It’s gonna be alright
I’ve gotta see things for what they are
At the time

Lost with no place to begin
I’ll slowly adjust to the sun just face I’m in

Whatever happened to the list
of things I wanted to be
Whatever happened to you
Whatever happened to me

Gotta look myself in the eye
And say it’s gonna be alright
Maybe everything won’t be alright
All the time
I’ve gotta take these chances where they are
And it’s gonna be alright
I’ve gotta see things for what they are
At the time, at the time

Yeah the words are on the seam
Ready to receive
I’m the ocean you’re the stream
Ready to receive
It’s like open arms to me
Ready to, ready to receive

Gotta look myself in the eye
And say it’s gonna be alright
Maybe everything won’t be alright
All the time
No, I’ve gotta take these chances where they are
And it’s gonna be alright
I’ve gotta see things for what they are
At the time
I’ve gotta see things for what they are
At the time,
At the time ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in5VExTM4eA&NR=1

Just one of those days.

I want to dance.

To be suspended in a moment of time. To smile. To be free. To be accepted.
That's what I want.

That I need, Is something different.
The self harm is getting better. But we'll see how that plays out. My trust is still just as lifeless, if not more so. But I'm trying to rebuild it.

Schools taking its told. I'm not really worried about it. But its the applying to University I worry about. I already know I'm going to hate the change in pace. I'm not going to like the break in my routine.

I'm contemplating on whether or not I want to look for a job. Right now, everything seems to be piling up. And I'm having a hard time handling it as is. The lack of friends I have. The lack of trust. It makes me nervous. Trying something new on my own makes me nervous too.

I wish someone was here. With me. Maybe even a hug or two. Its hard to smile when it hurts to much. I'm trying to be strong. I am. I really am. But inside I'm breaking down.

I know I'm making everything seem so much more tragic then it actually might seem to be. Sorry. Its just time when I get things out, since some people refuse to listen.


Come back when you can.
You've done nothing at all to make me love you less.

Disapointment.

Trust.

Its never been anything I was ever good at. Ive always had problems trusting, being trusted.

Trust is something im depending on recently. Im having trouble trusting myself for the most part. But im getting there. I hope. I think. We'll see.

I think i lost my inspiration again. Fuck.'

Oh well. Im tired of having to depend on people even though I know i have to for some things. Yay.. Ugh.

Im also starting to realize what friends i can actualy talk to. Ones who will actually talk back.. Someone once said something about friends in highschool. Whatever they said i bet they were right.

I think friends, or most of them, are unreliable. Which is hallarious because i take it as them avoiding me. Like one of them today. Yepp... Im not in the best mood. Its not how to get better. I try to get help. I try to talk to people and they bail out on me. I not only feel crushed.. but.. Fuck.. Where is everyone tonight?

Meh. Bri is holding on for now.. but somethings gotta give sooner or later..

Spaces.

"Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly." Vanilla Twilight- Owl City.

Distance sucks.

Long distance relationships suck. It all sucks to be honest.

I dont really have anything wise to say today. Just ramblings i guess.

Ive stopped cutting for the time being. Yay. Though ive taken to piercing the skin instead. At least it doesnt scar that bad. Just tiny dots that look like freckles. Maybe ill do my own from now on..

Aside from all that jazz, schools just as annoying as ever. Speaking of which i have a test i should study for. Ugh

Im avoiding life. I want to drown in a sea of my own designs. Meh. I doubt ill even get the collection finished.. i have 2 designed.. Lol.. 8 ish more to go? oh well.

I like how this distance thing turned into me complaining about life. Thats right life, you suck. Balls.

Anyways. Distance is a bitch, and we're all its little pawns it doesnt want to give up. Mhhhmm.. meh.

I always swore to you that i would never fall apart

I dont think i want to believe in love anymore.

Its kind of gotten to the point where it seems so.. amazing. But its really nothing. It comes and goes. Flickers and dies.

Lately ive questioned Safety. What it really means to feel safe. And how. How do i feel safe when the world is crashing down and I feel like I cant do a single thing to stop it. I dont think i could ever do a single thing to stop it. Its scary.

I used to tell myself that I wouldnt be one of those girls who would be so dependant on a guy that they would have to cling to them for everything. But I think im at that stange where i do need help.

All my friends know I wont take it. Help. I dont like to. I hate to. Its not.. Becoming. Sure. Everyone has a hard time and stuff.. But I want to know I can do stuff on my own without other people. But i get scared.


to be continued after dinner.

I lied. I lost my thought. Meh.

Grey Scale

For a long time Ive tried to hide away in my own little world. For a while I was able to get away with it.
Something changed. Something drastic that I figured would be a choice. Would be something I myself could control for when I was ready. But with a change of fate, I realized that I would never be ready for change.
Change i realized is something no one goes looking for change. No one really wants to change. But they convince themselves that they have to for someone else. For the good of others. A selfish, but not selfish move. Something done for themselves without a real want for it to come.
If change is forced upon you, is it really worth it? Is trying to convert someone better for them? Even if they will never change on their own? Im not sure. Im not sure of anything at the moment, and I dont think I ever will be.
To me, the world used to be so small. So. Flat. Life-less. My eyes havent been opened long enough yet to adjust to the light of this new world before me. Not sure I want them to. Im kind of enjoying this in between of having stuff to keep me busy, and enough down time to try to put my sanity back together again. Though. As much tape and bandaids I could ever try to use, there is no hope for putting me back together like Humpty Dumpty. I dont think i fell from the wall. I think i was put on the wrong side of the Mythbusters see-saw and thrusted into the air 13 stories, then falling to the concret with a splat.
I dont think anyone really has it easy. But few people really have to struggle with change like I think I have. In the end I dont think it really matters what you've done with your life when you're dead and gone anyways. So why struggle with change? Why try to not be who you are whether you like it or not, when in the end its worthless.
Life in its self is totaly worthless. People worry too much about where they are going and how they are going to get there. I admit to it too. But I rather not. I rather just.. Be happy for once. Who gives a shit.. All that should matter is that you're okay with yourself, with your life, with who you are. And if you're not. Dont expect change.
Cause its not all black and white, its not all layed out all neatly, and it comes with a price.