Grey Scale

For a long time Ive tried to hide away in my own little world. For a while I was able to get away with it.
Something changed. Something drastic that I figured would be a choice. Would be something I myself could control for when I was ready. But with a change of fate, I realized that I would never be ready for change.
Change i realized is something no one goes looking for change. No one really wants to change. But they convince themselves that they have to for someone else. For the good of others. A selfish, but not selfish move. Something done for themselves without a real want for it to come.
If change is forced upon you, is it really worth it? Is trying to convert someone better for them? Even if they will never change on their own? Im not sure. Im not sure of anything at the moment, and I dont think I ever will be.
To me, the world used to be so small. So. Flat. Life-less. My eyes havent been opened long enough yet to adjust to the light of this new world before me. Not sure I want them to. Im kind of enjoying this in between of having stuff to keep me busy, and enough down time to try to put my sanity back together again. Though. As much tape and bandaids I could ever try to use, there is no hope for putting me back together like Humpty Dumpty. I dont think i fell from the wall. I think i was put on the wrong side of the Mythbusters see-saw and thrusted into the air 13 stories, then falling to the concret with a splat.
I dont think anyone really has it easy. But few people really have to struggle with change like I think I have. In the end I dont think it really matters what you've done with your life when you're dead and gone anyways. So why struggle with change? Why try to not be who you are whether you like it or not, when in the end its worthless.
Life in its self is totaly worthless. People worry too much about where they are going and how they are going to get there. I admit to it too. But I rather not. I rather just.. Be happy for once. Who gives a shit.. All that should matter is that you're okay with yourself, with your life, with who you are. And if you're not. Dont expect change.
Cause its not all black and white, its not all layed out all neatly, and it comes with a price.