I used to know this kid..

I had this friend.
I used to be hung up over him. Love him. Give a shit or two about how horrible his girlfriend was treating him. As much as I hated it, I had to sit and watch and not say anything. I was put on the back burning. Like every other time in his life. I was just. There. But not really apart of anything.

I used to believe in trust, before him. I used to believe that people were good at heart, that they could change. That people would be a little nicer.. But I was wrong.

I confided in him. I confided in him like I was going to be pulled from this earth the moment I was finished telling him. But I stayed on earth but ended up with a blow to my heart.

I told him about my dreams. Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to spend it with a why. Why. I dont know.. But he helped me discover everything I knew to be true until yesterday.

I thought trust was something that you had to earn. Something that if you cared enough about someone that they would give you and you give in return. But when that trust fell short.. And I was left raw and emotionless, I broke.


It wasnt the first time I had been hurt, and im sure it wont be my last. But to tell someone that you care.. That you love them, and for them to.. with hold.. something so important.. blew me away.


Im tired of life. Of lying. Of bullshiting my way through everything just so I can try to make everyone else happy when im not.
Im tired of believing in love and friendship. Im tired of believing that everything happends for a reason, or that we really have a choice in our lives.

Im scared to trust now. Im scared to even tell my boyfriend I love him. Im scared to let myself do something for myself in case it doesnt work out. And I dont know how to fix myself.

I dont know how to change anymore then I already have.
I dont know anymore.

But i need someone to tell me what im suppose to do now. Because im done trying to make the right choice when im always wrong.


I dont even know whats wrong with me anymore.. fuck.